Sometimes I find myself amidst a situation that I would swear has been lifted directly from a comedy skit. That or the halls of a mental institution.
Example: This very morning I was sitting on my bed, reading my emails and suddenly my door bursts open and two uniform clad boys erupt into my bedroom. Actor is first, he is holding a tub of butter and looks to be running for his life. He gets to the end of my bed, spins on his heel and crouches, matrix style. Keanu couldn’t have done it better himself.
Deflector follows wielding a butter knife. He stops abruptly when he sees his brother has turned toward him. The knife, in his right hand, crosses his chest and he takes it in both hands, samurai-esque. He glares at Actor.
Actor glares right back at him.
I wish I had a photo of this. My two, old-enough-to-know-better, boys in a Matrix/Samurai standoff with a tub of butter and a butter knife.
They start yelling at each other. “I had it first.” “No you didn’t I had it first!”
Deflector says “I was using it first and I have proof!” He waves the butter knife and flings a glob of oily butter onto my carpet.
Words fail me. I cannot form a coherent sentence. I am stuck somewhere between OneDayIWill KillYouKids and OhMyGodButtterOnMyCarpet.
I see it. The Oh-Shit, We-just-crossed-a-line look that flashes between them.
They both turn to look at me and suddenly they’re on the same team. Standoff forgotten.
Brothers in arms.
I just look at them. I am in disbelief. I say nothing but quickly realise I need to do something.
I pull out Mum Look #203
A you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me/deal-with-that-NOW combo
They silently bend down and work together to clean the mess. They have come together. They stand shoulder to shoulder and wait for further instruction.
And then Actor looks down and realises for the first time how ridiculous they both look with their butter weapons.
He smirks. Deflector giggles. I shake my head.
Is this my life? Disarming buttery battles?
They dissolve into raucous laughter and a boyish slapping of backs and fist bumps as they leave my room and go back to making their lunches.
Sometimes I can parent without even opening my mouth.