I tell lies everyday of my life. It’s only natural, after all I am a Mother.
I challenge every single Mother on this earth to admit to lying to her children.
If you say you haven’t, well then, you’re a bigger liar than I. And I tell some pretty big pork pies.
But first, before my children, it started with my husband. (It’s all right Dear, this isn’t real. It’s just a blog. It’s just pretend. Don’t believe a word of it. Ok? Ok.)
“What this? No this isn’t new, I’ve had this for years.”
And by ‘years’ I mean approx 1/365th of a year.
“Don’t tell me you don’t remember!? We talked about this.”
We might have, when you were half asleep. You kind of snorted and I took that as a Yes.
“I’m sorry darling, I just didn’t have time to iron your shirts today; you know how busy I’ve been with the ….other…thingy. Did you say yes to a glass of wine?”
When I use the term ‘other thingy’ it’s more in the sense of ‘lunch with the girls’, quick change the subject.
It was all good training for the Big Fat Mother Lies to come.
“1 piece of chocolate cake is enough”
because I’m planning on eating the last 3 slices when you kids are in bed.
“Yes I heard every word you said.”
Not really, but you’ll never know the difference. Smile and nod.
“We’re too busy this weekend to have Charlie over to play. Maybe next week.”
That kid is devil spawn and will not enter this house as long as I live.
“No, you can’t stay up we have a big day tomorrow.”
And as soon as you guys are asleep Mummy and Daddy are breaking out the fluffy handcuffs and scented candles.
“Why don’t you go play in the lovely sunshine?”
Get out, before I become the major suspect in a quadruple homicide.
There are many reasons for Big Fat Mother Lies.
to prevent hurt feelings:
“Oh yes, now I see the butterfly, I just wasn’t looking at it properly.” If by ‘butterfly’ you mean pink scribble.
to save time
“I’ll think about it.” Actually I have no intention of thinking about it but I do not have the time right now to explain why you cannot have/do/watch that. Now get in the damn car.
to protect innocence
“No darling it’s not your fault Gizmo died. He was just old.” Maybe next time you shouldn’t lock your guinea pig in a plastic box on a 40◦C day.
to enforce good behaviour
“Santa is watching you.” Enough said
And because we just don’t know everything
“The sky is blue because it’s the only colour not in the rainbow” – Actually when Deflector asked me this question I said ‘ask your father’. I had hoped it would stump him, but being the dork/smartass that he is, he actually knew the answer, and told him the truth. Go figure.
I am not advocating dishonesty. Not real dishonesty anyway.
In fact I am learning that being evasive does not work with Deflector and The Actor anymore. They’re growing up. My fibbing days are numbered. Now I have to answer real questions, and I have to do it honestly or they go off to school with their mates looking like fools. In the last 6 months Deflector has learned the truth about Santa (ergo Easter Bunny and tooth fairy). He knows exactly what sex involves, the true definition of Gay and the urban use of the word ‘frigid’.
It’s all happening too fast for my liking.
It’s enough to have me running for the hills.
Or another glass of Mummy’s special grape juice.